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Thursday, January 27, 2011


No matter what i do i can't sleep tonight. I was so tired coming home from my long twelve hour day at work and my body is drained but my mind is restless and racing. I still can't beleive what happen a few hours ago, my nighttime laison with the bewitching jenny. Jenny who a short few hours ago was a complete stranger to me has come crashing into my life. I can still smell her scent on me, feel her skin against mine her bright blue eyes looking down at me as a predator upon her helpless prey.If only i could stop time and live in that moment forever, it was truly a perfect if intimadating and heartpounding moment at first.I could quite happily live in those few mins of bliss and never want for anything else.
The one and only downside would be that at that time i hadn't discovered her name yet. Her name which now rings through my head, an resounding word echoing throughout my brain.Jenny, jenny ,jenny. I decide that i must find her and get to know her better, but i know so little about her that it could be almost impossible to track her down. The only thing i know about her is her first name and what she looks like, well i also know what she fells like on me and the sounds she makes as she gets exited but that's of no use to me now. Firstly i try online, i search social networking sites and any site that is popular but without details to work with i end up wasting an entire two days staring at my laptop stopping only to snack and catch a short few hours sleep.
When monday roles around again i'm forced to put my fruitless search on hold and return to work. Luckily my job envovles me working on my own and is so repetitive that i could do it my sleep. And the whole day is spent in a daydream, my body working away automatically without much thought while i relive my wonderfully encounter over and over again in my head.Before i realise it the working day is over and i'm heading home my mind only occupied by my daydream endlessly repeating and wondering how to come up with a way to find jenny. I barely even notice as i push my way onto the crowded train carriage and grab onto the bar to steady myself the blonde woman that brushes past me.She is half way down the carriage before she comes into my full view and i'm spurned into action. Seeing only the back of her head i'm not sure if it's her but she does have the same hairstyle and is the same height and i'm determined to follow her nad find out. Catching up with her is not as easy as it seems, there is barely any room to move tired yet stern commuters seem to hinder my every step as i move towards her the train lurches back and forth and a few times i have to quickly grasp onto the corner of a seat to prevent me flying face first into someones lap. When i finally do catch up with my elusive target and im just about to grab her by the shoulder she sits down next to her waiting friend and now with her head turned i can see its not her, this woman is fifteen years older and not nearly as pretty. The dissapointment hits my like a punch to the guts,leaning my back against the plastic division that seperates the seated section from the door openings i slide slowley down onto the ground and bury my head in my arms not caring who sees.
I listlessly ramble home my feet moving along at a slow pace but in no rush to get home to my empty flat that awaits me. I would much rather be out here in the freezing cold wandering aimlessly around with the faint possiblity of somehow fate throwing our paths together again. She would just happen to be traveling home at the same time and turn onto the same road as i'm walking on it, we would see each other in the distance, i would be unsure if it was her and she would be oblivious to my presence until i was closer and upon seeing me face would burst into an uncontrolable smile. I would love to stay out here all night on the faint chance that this happpens but a froozen half dead me is no good to her so i continue on at my snails pace and edge ever closer to home. I decide that when i get back into the warmth of my flat i will have a rethink and surely if i put my mind to it i can come up with a far better way to find her than this desperate attempt.
I'm practically home rounding the corner to bring my flat into view in the short distance when i'm suddenly hit with a realisation that temperarely stops me in my tracks. It was late on a friday night when our little encounter happened. I assumed she was coming home from a late night at work but looking back now searching through my blissfull memories of that night i recall something that seemed unimportant at the time. As she left the train the last thing she did was she picked up her bag. Too big to be a handbag even those oversized ones but too small to be holiday luggage, it had to be a weekend bag! I couldn't be sure but it seemed to fit perfectely, she could have been coming down on the dublin train before connecting onto my short commuter train. Probably visiting relatives, mabye returning home for the weekend from her job in the city. Either way it was a very real possiblity that she would be coming down again the next friday around the same time all i had to do was wait for her each week and sooner or later our paths would cross again and i could get to know this amazing woman better and see what else could happen between us. The thought of this put a spring in my step and i'm grinning to myself as i rush home.
Before i know it the next friday has arrived and i'm making my way towards the first train journey of the night filled with anticipation. Don't ask me anything about the days and nights running up to this moment, i can't remember a thing athough i am sure it was filled with a series of unremarkable, unexiting and uneventfull moments. In fact my life up to now could be described that way. My life an lithany of uninteresting momenets, years upon years of non events that scatter across the landscape of my so called life. Each time i came to a crossroads and a decision had to made of the direction to take, the dull, safe and less taxing path or the exiting, new mabye tougher and unknown path i would invariable choose the path of least resistance. This time however i was determined to take that other trail and venture into the unknown undetered by my past cowardesss. I had tasted the fruitfull joys of what awaited and this pulled me on towards it,i had to have more, not just another small bite but i would bound bravely forward and devour this new meal. I hungered for jenny like i had never hungered before and i was going to be satisfied no matter how long i had to wait.
So with an abundance of determination i edge closer to the train. As i enter the first carriage i carefully look at each face of each woman that even moderately resembles her. Each time i'm presented with a new face to gaze upon i'm very aware of the potential a new woman brings. The potential to disapoint me with the face of a stranger no matter how attractive the woman may be it would be no consolation, or the potential to fill my entire body with joy and the realisation of my completed search. At first i'm filled with exitment and anticipation, with any luck i could meet her within moments, she could be anywhere around me and i scan the train with the keen eyes of a hunter searching out it's prey. And this week's waiting has only hightened the anticipation, the fact that she is so hard to find will make finding her and tasting her again all the more sweeter. I don't know where this lustfull agression comes from iv'e never been like this before, up until know iv'e always been passive and almost non chalant when it comes to women. I my mind whenever i pursued a woman i enjoyed it but if it didn't work out or we didn't click that would be fine with me i would hastily move on to someone else.Yet this time i see no other result than success, i have to know her and be with her again.
With each blond figure that comes into view that may posibbly be her but turns out not to be the dissapointment is minimal. I already know i will find her it's a certainty in my mind. As the night slips away and i realise i will not be finding her tonight a sense of despondancy washes over me. Even though i'm certain we will meet again now i'm faced with another week of solitude, another week without her in my life and another week of emptyness. And even next week is no guarantee of producing anything new, it may be awhile before our paths cross again. The following week passes slow than any i can remember, i try my best to distract myself with work, with a few drinks to relax me, with stacks of films to escape into yet all the time there is an internal battle between my determined optimism and the crushing reality that this situation is not anything i can change right now.
So as the week eventually passes and i find myself on that train again i'm slightly less enthusiatic. I'm still determined to find her and i will wait however long it takes but as the last train of the night pulls into the station and yet again i'm faces with the task of enduring another souless week i'm feeling quite dejected and low. So much so i'm barely aware of the people around me swarming towards the door waiting to squeeze out and hurry away from this temporary metal prision. Passengers brush past me, some gently some not as considerate and just as i'm stepping out onto the platform someone brushes past me violentely and sprints off as fast as they can go. I don't see who it is but as i pick steady myself and look up i see a smallish figure in a bright red rain coat hurry away in the distance. My whole body swells with anger and i now i'm the agressive one pushing my way past passngers uncaring if i offend or upset anyone after the soulsucking two weeks iv'e had i refuse to feel so low anymore i will find that red coated coward and give them hell.
I'm sprinting as fast as i'm capable now willing myself to move faster than i ever have and as i round the corner i see a woman with that red coat enter a cab. It pulls away luckily in my direction and i'm waving my arms frantically and shouting like a lunatic but the cab driver shows no signs of seeing me or if he does he's not slowing down. This cab and this woman are about the exit my life and pull off into the distance and i'm not ready to accept that so as the cab speeds closer i decide in a momant of madness to do something ridicilous. I fling myself infront of the cab. I fling myself with all the force and effort of an action movie star jumping in slow motion away from a backround explotion. If i wasn't in that very moment i would find it ridiculously hillarious, any lookers on would be wonder what the fuck is going on and similtantiously be extremly confused and also wonderously entertained. That and the fact that i had to stop this cab were what was going through my head as i was in mid leap, yet that leap was over far too quickly and i was now in a collision coarse with a fast moving vehicle. I could do nothing to stop myself now the laws of physics were in motion and as that glass windscreen smacked violently into my head all i could think was 'you fucking idiot!'

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